The inevitable blog entry in which I pour my heart out

I’m going to go back to my childhood in this entry, and I’m warning you right at the start. That way you can choose to read the rest or not. It’s going to get sappy. So here goes.

I wasn’t a wanted child- my mom was only 17, and while it seems she did try for a year or so, I was eventually sent to live with my grandparents. They never said as much, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t really want to start raising a baby all over again. They spoiled me and were fun- but I think they felt guilty.

So I’ve grown up with some issues- a major one being surprise and suspicion when I make new friends. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that people want to spend time with me, and when I am invited or included, I am much more thrilled than I should probably be rationally. I’ve always felt I’ve had to be the one to start a conversation or invite someone somewhere (though I am far too shy to do it often) because who would talk to me first? When I get an unprompted text or invite or message or call (and it’s not spam or a telemarketer), just for a moment the stupid insecurities I have are calm.

Theatre helps me with my (lame) fears too. It’s great to feel wanted, we all know that. This has brought me a circle of friends better than anything. All shows have their amazing memories- but some almost….FIX me.  Hair was one…and oh, Cabaret. Cabaret is right up there.

I know this cast & crew didn’t all spend a lot of time together as a whole- I wish it had been different, but regardless, there’s not a soul in this show I don’t think rocks my world. I love you ALL.

However….. to our EMCEE, the Kit Kat girls and Sally…

There is nothing like working your ass off along with six brilliant girls and one magnificent man for six months to learn an ungodly amount of choreography and sing and try and breathe at the same time and remember it ALL and keep your boobs in your costume and your legs in both pantlegs and your props on and off and your set pieces in the right place…to feel like you’re closer than anything……it’s been amazing.

SO- my (probably) final entry is to say thank you for keeping my ghosts at bay for a little while longer- and hoping against hope you’ll all continue my therapy and keep in touch. So yeah…like….text me, ok? (I know- SO pathetic.)

 

Love and light,

Helga/Amber

All the signs are there

Hell Week is imminent- as I mentioned in a Facebook status, my body hitting sleep mode the second I sit in one spot is the first sign. It is building up stores to replace what I’ll be losing over the next week or so. That is a good thing. The other signs that we’re nearing opening night are less positive.

I am itchy.

Not anywhere unmentionable or gross, but some very specific spots that won’t stop BEING itchy. The top of my right foot near my big toe and the outside of my left foot. The side and back of my left knee.. My right ankle. My right shoulder blade. I don’t see a specific cause, like a rash or something but there’s at LEAST a psychosomatic cause, and frankly, that’s real enough for me.

My skin is being very rebellious.

Even though I’ve been trying to take really good care of it since so much of it will be seen, and I don’t normally have much of a problem with breakouts, it’s not very pretty right now- dry, blemished and STILL continuously marked with bruises- I have yet to get through a rehearsal without adding a new one, and I am acting like a delicate flower at work trying not to hurt myself. (There’s a surprising amount of heavy lifting at Tim Hortons.) My skin is pissed because I am clumsy and it should just shut up.

I am using 30 words where 3 would suffice.

This is an excitement and adrenal and hormonal thing- all of these kick into high gear, which makes me talk a lot. I don’t say anything extra of substance, I basically just repeat my first point over and over again until I’ve beat it to death. And the topic was probably stupid to begin with, since my brain is on overdrive at this time, and not really capable of any real profound thought.

WAY more stuff pisses me off.

Like, being itchy, bad skin, and talking too much.

BUT- I have chosen to believe all of these challenges shall be overcome next week, and my skin will be dewy and glowing, my bruises will heal and I will shut the hell up long enough to sing. And dance, cause man, that kickline needs all the air I have.*passes out cold*

 

 

 

As opening night draws near….

…I couldn’t be more excited! I’ve seen many costume pieces (they’re magnificent), our makeup will be so striking (beautiful with a hint of scary,) choreography is getting tighter and sharper every time (must gain stamina to rock that kickline) and  I love everyone in this show…which isn’t hard to do cause you’re all hot and Libras are notorious for falling in love with pretty things.

I’m thoroughly enjoying being underdressed at rehearsals and getting used to the whole “half-naked thing”…NOW. I suspect I SHOULD enjoy this now because there will come a time when it will be a bad idea to take my clothes off for more than a select few. (You know who you are.)

I want to gush here now- I’m so glad I have the most perfect set of stunning fellow KitKat girls and a gorgeous Emcee to be up there with. A beautiful, sweet and funny Sally to back up dance for. Watching Schultz and Schneider’s tender moments and tearing up EVERY time. Being enchanted by Gorilla and Emcee’s dance number. Listening to Cliff’s lovely singing. And groping and climbing on various combinations of these people is the cherry on my sundae. *evil leer*

Let’s all enjoy and make the most of the time left to rehearse and perform this show and be together. No matter how many shows you do, there are thrilling things in all of them. I wanna remember. XOXO