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The inevitable blog entry in which I pour my heart out

I’m going to go back to my childhood in this entry, and I’m warning you right at the start. That way you can choose to read the rest or not. It’s going to get sappy. So here goes.

I wasn’t a wanted child- my mom was only 17, and while it seems she did try for a year or so, I was eventually sent to live with my grandparents. They never said as much, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t really want to start raising a baby all over again. They spoiled me and were fun- but I think they felt guilty.

So I’ve grown up with some issues- a major one being surprise and suspicion when I make new friends. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that people want to spend time with me, and when I am invited or included, I am much more thrilled than I should probably be rationally. I’ve always felt I’ve had to be the one to start a conversation or invite someone somewhere (though I am far too shy to do it often) because who would talk to me first? When I get an unprompted text or invite or message or call (and it’s not spam or a telemarketer), just for a moment the stupid insecurities I have are calm.

Theatre helps me with my (lame) fears too. It’s great to feel wanted, we all know that. This has brought me a circle of friends better than anything. All shows have their amazing memories- but some almost….FIX me.  Hair was one…and oh, Cabaret. Cabaret is right up there.

I know this cast & crew didn’t all spend a lot of time together as a whole- I wish it had been different, but regardless, there’s not a soul in this show I don’t think rocks my world. I love you ALL.

However….. to our EMCEE, the Kit Kat girls and Sally…

There is nothing like working your ass off along with six brilliant girls and one magnificent man for six months to learn an ungodly amount of choreography and sing and try and breathe at the same time and remember it ALL and keep your boobs in your costume and your legs in both pantlegs and your props on and off and your set pieces in the right place…to feel like you’re closer than anything……it’s been amazing.

SO- my (probably) final entry is to say thank you for keeping my ghosts at bay for a little while longer- and hoping against hope you’ll all continue my therapy and keep in touch. So yeah…like….text me, ok? (I know- SO pathetic.)

 

Love and light,

Helga/Amber

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About kitkathelga

36 years old, and a coffee shop manager for a long time- but the love of theatre keeps me from going crazy. My town has a magnificent community theatre company that keeps letting me play onstage for some reason. I'm getting married for the first time next year to the most wonderful man, and I have a 16 year old daughter and an 11 year old son (yes I did everything backwards, I know.)

5 responses to “The inevitable blog entry in which I pour my heart out

  1. Jacl boyagian ⋅

    Complicated yes, but how many years of healing and how many experiences of theatre and how many repeated layers of evidence do you need to see that so many people love you, want to be around you and respect you for your kind heart and your magnificent talents.

  2. Dearest Amber, I have spent a good part of my life loving the unloved because I know how it feels. My mother left me in a hospital nursery. My adoptive father died when I was 4. I was raised by my single adoptive mother in the 1950s who made mistakes and really bad choices regarding me in my younger years.
    You are beautiful Amber and You are as sacred as the air we breathe. No one is better or lesser than you. Your presence is like a breath of that fresh air.
    With Love
    Carol-Anne (Rainbow Stardust)

  3. Anne-Marie ⋅

    Oh Amber now you’re gonna make me cry… The feeling is more than mutual, my friend! You are an amazing woman and it has been a privilege to work with you again (and again, and again…) since our first joining the ‘tribe’ three (THREE?!?) years ago!! But I’ve been even more privileged to count you as one of my friends.

    Hugs and kisses and boob grabs,

    A-M “Frenchie”

  4. Heather ⋅

    You know what I would do if I saw you right now, correct? *eyebrow raise* So glad that you’ve bonded with the Kit Kat Corps, Michael and Sally – now maybe on our girls’ nights we’ll have MORE girls MORE of the time!!!

    H
    ox

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